cut so and hit a double-dash on the penultimate?

I love the 2/3rd line enjambment and the caesura that follows in the third. The thought of disbelief sets off cooling wind aesthetically.

The second stanza second line is too busy for my taste.

--
Escape Cold Herons, Jak.

well I'm glad you like the enjambment on the second line, as I didn't really know if I wanted to keep it that way. It just didn't look good the other way so I moved that second part down, and I thought it worked but wasn't sure. So cool.

And. Lets see. On that line... Do you think it would be better if I cut superfluous? so just
“Live! Now - Erode those arrow-strewn cells.
I know I'd like to keep "Live! Now-... as thats important to the over-all meaning. So is superfluous the superfluous word, or is it something else? For now, I think I'll cut it and leave it at that.


Then... I think with some minor reorganization I can take the dash idea. I used a single dash earlier so I think I'll use a single dash again. So yup. Thanks that helped.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.

eee, "until sheep-skin passions wither sheet-thin."

this just sounds delicious when it comes out of your mouth.

i'm not entirely in love with "mind's decay." maybe i am biased, but i think it makes a beautiful poem verge on the trite, just because of those words.

i like how "scentless" seems to make you think of the word, "senseless" as well, and you group them together.

"sheet-thin" and "spider thin"? i'm not sure i want "thin" used twice in this poem. they are both such strong descriptors, they really stick out and bite each other.

love the word "collude."

tasty.

* *

--
I hear
your voice
down the hall, through the window, above
all those trees, a light
it seems
& you are singing. What song
is that The words
are beautiful.

-LeRoi Jones

ah thanks so much for pointing out a few things I didn't notice.

Blah I wonder if Leo Tolstoy ever had to deal with problems like this.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.

no he had to deal with far worse problems.

you reign supreme over tolstoy!

*laughs*

--
I hear
your voice
down the hall, through the window, above
all those trees, a light
it seems
& you are singing. What song
is that The words
are beautiful.

-LeRoi Jones

without superfluous I have no problem with it at all.

--
Escape Cold Herons, Jak.

no way tolstoy channeled God through prose.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.

i liked the ending.

--
and everything i have is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.

I'd ask you how you are but I already have and you haven't yet responded to that.

--
Harmonize your inward and your outward life, and you soul will know no bounds of joy.

i responded to that before i left a comment on this.

--
and everything i have is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.